i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
