I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
