it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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