I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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