he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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