You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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