im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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