I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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