so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
