we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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