Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
