you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize