She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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