I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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