We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
