Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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