Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
