i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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