I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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