We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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