put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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