Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
