Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
