I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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