Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
