she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
