I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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