don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
