The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
