She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
