Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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