if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
