Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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