Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
