Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
