it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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