Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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