I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
