I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Hippo gnu deer
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
