I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
