I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
