you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
