My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize