1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I can't put those talents on a resume
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
