I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
