omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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