can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
