You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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