He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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