You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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