the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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