I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
