Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
