I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
