You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize