fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize