My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
