im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
