I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Vodka?
Forever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
