Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize